As humans, it’s normal to have sex. And to think about sex. And to want to have good sex. 

Sometimes, the sex we’re having and the sex we want to be having are two different things. 

Dyspareunia (aka painful sex), unsatisfied kinks, secret embarrassments, or even just things not quite hitting right, can all stand in the way of comfortable, pleasurable sex. 

And while a less-than-deal sex life can be helped enormously by honest conversations with your partner, it’s not always easy to get these kinds of intimate chats started. 

Whether you have one partner, multiple regular partners, a long-term partner, a handful of new, semi-regular partners, or partners of the one-night-stand kind, we aren’t here to judge. 

What we are here to do though is help equip you with the tools (and the confidence!) to speak up to your partner, or partners, when you’re not exactly vibing with the sex you’re having. 

So, cosy up and get ready to find out how you can navigate having this oh-so-important conversation with your sexual partner(s). 

What Causes Painful Sex? 

Okay, so if you’ve noticed that sex isn’t exactly a walk in the park lately, the first thing we want you to know is that you don’t have to smile through the pain (no, literally) and put up with it. The other thing we need you to remember is that whatever you’re feeling doesn’t have to be a forever thing, either. 

Painful sex can stem from an array of different factors. Some physical factors that can increase your likelihood of experiencing painful sex include: 

• Vulvodynia 
• Endometriosis
• Vaginismus 
• Inadequate lubrication during sex 
• Pelvic floor dysfunction 
• Tender pelvic floor muscles 
• Hormonal imbalances 
• Infections 
• Certain medications

However, there isn’t always a physical culprit that causes you to have painful sex. Emotional players, such as stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma can also be responsible for robbing sexually active adults of pleasure and replacing it with pain.

If you suspect you might be experiencing painful sex, we recommend engaging the help of an expert in Women’s Health and pelvic pain, like one of our Hazel practitioners. A trusted health professional can work with you to identify and determine the factors negatively impacting your sex life and equip you with the right tools to bring pleasure back to the bedroom.

When to Seek Support for Painful Sex 

The bottom line: you can seek help for painful sex anytime. You deserve to get help and feel good without having to ‘prove’ to yourself that you really need support! (Psst: brushing pain under the rug won’t make it go away).

Almost 50% of women and people assigned female at birth who experience painful sex have avoided seeking support from professionals. The reason? Fear of judgement from healthcare practitioners and awareness of the stigma surrounding sexual discussions.

Ignoring or avoiding the issue can have long-term consequences, affecting not only physical health but also emotional well-being and the quality of your relationships. While anyone, at anytime can ask for help, here are some specific signs that it it might be time to seek support for painful sex:

• The pain is consistent: Have you been waiting for something to magically resolve on its own for a while now? Persistent pain may be an indication of an underlying medical condition that requires attention.
  
• It’s affecting your wellbeing: If the pain during sex is affecting your overall well-being, causing anxiety, stress, or emotional distress, seeking professional support should be your next step.
  
• You’re struggling to talk to your partner about it: Holding back from open conversations about painful sex can be a sign you need a little extra support. Speaking with a sexologist or a caring doctor can help you find the right words.
  
• It’s more than pain: Any accompanying physical symptoms such as bleeding, swelling, or persistent discomfort outside of sexual activity should not be ignored. These could be signs of an underlying medical condition that requires professional evaluation.
  
• Your orgasms or natural lubrication is MIA: If you notice changes in sexual function, such as difficulty getting aroused or achieving orgasm, then it’s time to find some help. These changes may be related to the pain you're experiencing and medical professionals can help identify and treat the cause.

Remember: Don't let fear or stigma prevent you from seeking the help you deserve. Everyone deserves help in achieving a satisfying sex life — whether they’re just looking to make things a little spicier or want help solving a painful problem. 

Tips for Creating a Safe Space to Talk About Painful Sex 

Before you have the actual convo, read through these tips. Then read through them again. And again once more. Practise your points, your approach, and your delivery. Talking to your partner about painful sex might seem like a tough conversation, but you’re tougher. 

Tip 1: Get Cosy. Literally

When setting the stage for this conversation, aim to be physically cosy, and in a mentally safe space too. We suggest picking a neutral space where both you and your partner can feel at ease. Creating a comfortable environment will help set the tone for an honest and intimate conversation (eg. try the bedroom, not the bus on the way home).

You want your mindset and your space to be as warm, inviting, and open as possible. 

Tip 2: Make Time to Talk 

Finding a time where both you and your partner can be fully present is more important than you might think. There’s nothing worse than pouring your heart out in an intimate conversation only to be interrupted halfway through by other distractions. 

Flick that phone to ‘do not disturb’, make sure neither you nor your partner has any social commitments, and keep all other interferences to a minimum. Give yourself the opportunity to be fully present with one another to allow for a productive conversation to take place. 

Tip 3: Embrace the Emotions

Remember, this conversation is less about pointing fingers and placing blame and more about strengthening your connection with your partner and working together to understand and resolve the issue. Appreciate that this conversation might be equally as difficult for your partner, and you both may feel uncomfortable. 

Creating a space filled with trust and understanding helps to open the floor for a vulnerable conversation to take place. It’s important that you both feel heard and supported. 

Tip 4: Dig Deep When Sharing Details 

It might seem difficult at the time, but after speaking to your partner about how often discomfort and pain are stealing the spotlight during sex, you’ll be glad you did. Getting specific about the nature and location of where you’re experiencing pain and discomfort during sex can help you and your partner to understand potential causes and uncover solutions together – and the more specific you are, the better.

Try pinpoint the exact moments or positions that trigger discomfort, it enables your partner to be more attuned to your needs. Saying things like, "When you touch me here, it feels uncomfortable" or "During this position, it can be really painful" isn’t rude — it’s helpful.

This level of detail not only aids in identifying problems but also fosters a deeper level of empathy and understanding between you and your partner, ultimately strengthening your connection both emotionally and physically.

What Does a Sexologist Do? 

Trying to navigate living a life where you experience painful sex can be tricky to go through alone. The good news? You don’t have to do it alone. Ever. 

This is where Sexologists take centre stage. If you’ve never heard of a Sexologist before, allow us to introduce you to the people responsible for helping people achieve their best sex yet. Think of them as the fairy godmothers of intimacy – armed with all the knowledge and tools to help wish away the pain and bring back the magic to your sex life. 

Not only are Sexologists here to help you uncover your sexuality and needs, understand desire, and much, much more (learn more in our article about Understanding Sexology), but they also specialise in guiding you through conversations surrounding painful sex, and can help you, and your partner/s, navigate your way through any other challenges you might be facing. 

Sexologists work with their clients by providing a safe, judgement-free space where their clients can express concerns, talk about their sexual experiences, and seek advice for hosting difficult conversations with their partners. Sexologists are trained to help individuals and couples address a range of sexual health issues, including painful sex. 

How Can a Sexologist Help You Talk About Painful Sex With Your Partner?

Just when you thought a Sexologist couldn’t get any better, we’re here to let you know that yes indeedy, they can. 

If you’re struggling to speak up, fear not. A Somatic Sexologist can offer you an array of handy tips and tricks to help you frame the conversation surrounding painful sex with your partner. Where a regular sexologist typically focuses on the scientific study of sexology, a somatic sexologist takes a body-centered approach – focusing on how our physical touch, movement, sensations and mindfulness impact our sexual experiences and sexual well-being. They’ll help you to avoid playing the blame game, and instead coach you through having a collaborative and open chat.

These expert communicators are highly skilled in creating an environment where both you and your sexual partner are able to feel heard, validated, understood, and able to facilitate and participate in open communication.

Depending on your situation, your sexologist may encourage you to use certain phrases or analogies when discussing your experience of painful sex to ensure that your partner understands your feelings and experience without feeling as though they’re being attacked. Your sexologist may also utilise therapeutic techniques (such as mindfulness and meditation) to help couples navigate the emotional aspects of sexual discomfort. 

On a clinical level, sexologists can also help to educate you and your sexual partner about the possible causes of your painful sex, while breaking down clunky and complex medical jargon that you may have heard in the doctor's office. By identifying and understanding the root cause of the problem together, you and your partner can make painful sex a problem of the past. 

Opening up isn’t always easy. If you’re finding it challenging to have a conversation with your partner about painful sex, consider enlisting the help of a professional, like one of Hazel’s Somatic Sexologists, and start experiencing a more satisfying (and comfortable) sex life. 

Overcoming the Stigma Surrounding Painful Sex 

In case you need to hear it again (seriously, we’ll repeat this until we’re blue in the face if we have to), you are not alone in this. 

We live in a society where stigmas silence conversations surrounding sexual health – and these harmful barriers can stand in the way of many individuals seeking the help that they need and deserve. Reaching out to a sexologist for guidance and support doesn’t mean you’ve bowed out when things have gotten too hard. Instead, it shows that you’ve prioritised your health, growth, and overall happiness. 

The Wrap-Up 

Challenges in your sex life, whether they’re a result of painful sex, unmet desires, or difficulties in communication with your partner(s), are more common than you might initially think. 

Physical and emotional factors like endometriosis, stress, or trauma can disrupt the flow of intimacy, and leave you feeling isolated. But the first step towards change is realising that you don’t have to face this alone. Many women and people assigned female at birth avoid seeking help for sexual concerns due to fear or stigma, yet addressing these issues with a somatic sexologist can help you and your partner to navigate sensitive topics with empathy and understanding. 

If you’re ready to move past physical discomfort and overcome the emotional barriers to discover healthier, more satisfying sex, book with Hazel’s Somatic Sexologist, Alice Child, today by calling our friendly care team on 1300 142 935, or contacting hello@hazelhealth.com.au. 

We’re here to offer you judement-free support and advice to lead you towards unlocking a more satisfying, fulfilling, and pain-free sex life.  

FAQ

How Can Sexologists Help to Treat Painful Sex? 

In the realm of sexology, evidence-based treatments and therapies are tailored to the needs of the individual. Because the root causes behind painful sex vary so significantly from person to person, a treatment option that works for one individual might not necessarily be effective for you. 

From medical interventions to therapeutic exercises, counselling, and toys, a sexologist will work with each patient to ensure their unique needs are met. Your sexologist will work with you to discuss various treatment options

Do Sexologists Work With Couples? 

Yes, sexologists can help you address some of your personal concerns, goals, and wishes for the bedroom. 

Yes, they can also mediate between you and your partner and help you to have an open and honest conversation about sex with one another. Sexologists provide couples with access to a wealth of resources that are designed to enhance the sexual well-being of the couple and address any specific challenges that may be contributing to painful sex. 

Reaching out to a sexologist as a couple is not a sign of defeat – instead, it helps couples to work with one another to navigate the complexities of their relationship together and build a path towards a healthier and more fulfilling sexual connection.